The champagne I saved for a feeling that never came

Why achieving your goal can still leave you feeling empty

A bottle in the cupboard

In September, the Press & Journal featured my story in their My Health Journey series. It talked about compulsive spending, buying things for a quick lift that never lasted. What it didn't include was a bottle of champagne, and I've come to see the two as the same pattern. One was spending to feel better now. The other was saving a celebration for a feeling that never came.

In 2008, I finished a Level 5 Diploma in Management. One of the GPs I worked with gave me a bottle of champagne to celebrate. I said thank you, took it home, and put it away. I told myself I'd open it when it felt worth celebrating.

Four years earlier, I'd been promoted. I spent my Sunday evenings planning the week ahead so we'd hit our GP contract targets. On paper, I was planning work. Underneath, I was proving I deserved the job.

We hit the targets. I passed the diploma. Each time, I expected a spark in my belly. What I got instead was a quieter thought: is this it? What's the point?

The champagne stayed in the cupboard for over twelve years. When I finally opened it, after 2020, it had gone off.

Why the goal didn't fix the feeling

I wasn't waiting for the right moment. I was waiting for a feeling that the achievement was never going to give me.

Psychologists have a name for part of this. Tal Ben-Shahar calls it the arrival fallacy: the belief that once we reach a goal, we'll finally feel content. We usually do get a lift. It just fades faster than we expect, and the bar moves.

Research by Jennifer Crocker on self-worth adds the piece that explains why. When your sense of worth depends on achieving, success brings a brief boost and setbacks hit hard. So you keep achieving, not because you love it, but because stopping feels risky.

That was me. The pattern underneath was simple, and old: I saw myself as not good enough, so I always had to prove myself. Every target hit was more evidence for the case. The verdict never came.

From the outside, it looked like dedication. The Sunday evenings, taking letters home to finish in the front room, saying yes when I meant no. Then the spending, small treats and big purchases for a few hours of relief. From the inside, it felt like running on empty and wondering why reaching the goal changed nothing.

If that sounds familiar, the next promotion, qualification or holiday won't settle it. The pattern doesn't live in the goal. It lives in why you're chasing it.

What changed, and what didn't happen overnight

Here's the part that surprises people. By 2020 I was already a qualified wellbeing coach. I knew the theory. It still took working with a coach myself for things to really shift.

Knowing about a pattern and seeing it in your own life are different things. Once I could see what was driving me, I could start choosing differently, rather than just managing the exhaustion it caused.

It wasn't quick, and it wasn't tidy. It was more like peeling an onion, one layer at a time, with the odd moment of tears. Not everyone welcomed the change either. When you stop over-giving, some people notice the gap.

But life feels different now. I watch sunrises over Aberdeenshire. I walk the woods and the beach with my dog. I can celebrate something while it's still fizzing.

I went the long way round so you don't have to.

Your champagne

Most high achievers I work with have their own version of that bottle. It might not be champagne. It might be a holiday you keep postponing, or a compliment you brush off, or a goal you hit last month and barely noticed.

A few questions to take with you:

• What are you saving for when it "feels worth it"?

• When did you last let an achievement land before reaching for the next one?

• Who are you still proving yourself to?

If you read this and recognised yourself, that's worth paying attention to. Success should feel better than this.

I offer a free Quality of Life Call: a relaxed conversation about what's driving you and whether working together would help. You can apply for yours at jostransforminglives.co.uk/quality-of-life-call